Wednesday, March 31, 2010

progression of a successful love story (from the female perspective)

1st stage : innocence / blind faith (kissing the frog with the belief that there is prince under all those warts)

2nd stage : revelation / disillusionment (finding out he is actually a warty frog under the human skin after the transformation)

3rd stage : maturity / acceptance (what the hell, he is a lovable frog despite his queer taste for insects)

(inspired by uma's 'warts and all' comment under 'love, actually')

Sunday, March 28, 2010

number theory

In the beginning, darkness was upon the face of the earth.

Then the Lord said, "Let there be Light!"

And there was!

what He saw in the brightness we don't know, but He was obviously not very happy about it. so He went about 'creating' (He was the progenitor of all us creative folks, I don't know where all you others came from).

what i DO know, was that He hated math as much as i do. why else would He say "Go fourth* and multiply"?

(*that's not a spelling mistake, in case you're wondering. i'll come to it later)

notice, the people He knew could multiply (e.g., mathematicians, accountants, businesspeople) He ordered to "Go" (away). from this it's quite evident that He loved the others and wanted them to stay (the fact that we, His beloved children messed up His garden is of course, OUR fault, and the reason He'd kick us out of it later, for even God can have limits to His tolerance).

why does God (and the majority of humankind) hate math?

"Mathematics is an EXACT science!" my dad (who taught math at university) used to chide me when i tried to solve my sums 'creatively' (the fact that my answers seldom matched up with what was printed in the text books, is another matter entirely).

to be more precise: 'Math is an EXACTING science'. it taxes you like nothing else in the world ('tax' being the only three-letter word which, as we all know, is a dirtier word than any four-letter word could ever hope to be).

...and why would it be safe to assume that God is responsible for our fear and loathing of math?

again, examine the command, and you'll notice that He was quite specific about which part of humanity should handle the numbers: the "fourth".

the other three quarters--the cadre of humanity i belong to--He didn't bother to allocate any particular task (that's the reason we still wander about, clueless about what we are supposed to be doing), or bestow with the grey cells that handle the squiggly-wiggly number-thingies.

if you're a normal human (as in 'not the bose-einstein variety'), stop feeling guilty about forgetting anniversaries, birthdays, telephone numbers and other such stuff that involve numbers, and being ‘all thumbs’ at arithmetic. remember, God loves you, and the fact that you have no head for numbers is actually A GIFT from Him.

go forth and party.

it's what He created you for.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

riki, R.I.P.; everybody else, don’t R.I.P.

i'm interrupting my regular posts for a sad announcement: yesterday i got the news that riki, a very nice guy i knew, passed away a few days ago. it took me by shock because of 2 things in particular: his age (he was just in his thirties!) and the fact that he seemed to be on his way to recovery.

to say i can empathize with his parents would be a lie. NOBODY feels the way a parent does on losing a child.

i didn't know riki well enough to tell you details about his life. in the short time i did, two things identified him very clearly in my mind: his constant cheerfulness, and get-up-and-go attitude. if not for the physical symptoms of the disease that ravaged his body, you wouldn't know he was suffering from constant pain and discomfort. that's the kind of guy he was.

i won't serve up the usual-and-obvious platitudes ("before his time", "too young", etc.). instead, i'll rage.

i'm ANGRY and so i'll ask ANGRY questions.

how did riki die? from throat cancer

how did riki get cancer? Paan P****g paan masala (a very practical and wise person told me to replace the all-too-familiar letters with the asterisks if i didn't want to be sued. imagine an ape being taken to court!)

how long had he been hooked to this 'death-served-in-little-doses-in-little-packets'? not very long (how many years, how many packets does it take before it gets fatal?)

was riki innocent? certainly not (he wasn't an impressionable child when he acquired the taste for, and got addicted to the poison powder)

who is responsible for riki's death:

the film stars/celebrities who endorse the product?

the ad agencies that make it appear irresistible?

the corporate/business people who market it?

the manufacturer?

the government that doesn't deem it a cognisable offence and penalise them?

the society that complacently allows all this to happen?

you and me?

all of the above?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

love, actually

The first thing I notice is the look on the woman's face: she is trying very hard not to cry.

They must be newly married, I think, although the lines on his face betrays his age. He is no longer young, and neither is she. The young man who is consoling her must be her younger brother, come to see off his brother-in-law.

The train horn sounds, and it begins to move. The man turns away from the group and clambers aboard. The young man grips the woman's hand, restraining her as she tries to follow the train.

The duo pass out of my line of sight through the row of windows as the train picks up speed, leaving the platform behind. The man stands at the door, waving at them until they are out of his sight too. He stays there, looking towards the station long after it has gone out of view.

The scenery outside slowly changes. Green fields and distant hills tell me that the train has left the town at which it had stopped far behind. The man navigates his way across the aisle and quietly comes and sits on the empty seat beside me.

The other passengers continue their chatter, sharing their snacks and their stories, their laughter and their complaints. Their bonhomie excludes this silent stranger, who looks different and obviously doesn't speak their language.

"Going to Kolkata?" I ask him in English, trying to meliorate the terrible loneliness I see on his face.

His expression changes instantly, a wide smile spreading across the deeply tanned features.

"Yes," he says. His eyes shine with relief and gratitude at my small offering of companionship.

From our conversation made up of broken fragments of three different languages, I draw out his story. He has been married for almost twenty years and the young man at the station was his son, now in college. Seeing the surprised expression on my face, he explains that he was married when he and his wife were both teenagers.

He used to work in the docks in his hometown, and has recently been transferred to the Navy Dockyard in Kolkata. He comes home every few months to spend some days with his wife and son. His economic situation and limited education prevents him from quitting his job and trying to find work closer to his home.

I comment about how I mistook him to be newly married because of the unmistakeably noticeable love he shares with his wife. He blushes and says that it has always been that way.

My heart grows warm and I smile inwardly, thinking how many people would give away everything they had in exchange for a love like that.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Father, The Son and The Holi(ka) Aunt

“Do you smell something burning?”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.”

“I could swear I smelled something burning.”

“And I’m telling, you, it’s nothing to worry your little head about. Relax. Everything’s going to be okay soon.”

“Okay.”

A few minutes pass.

“Auntie...”

“Yes, dear?”

“Why are we sitting here, on this pile of logs?”

“Because you ticked your dear daddy off something terrible.”

“Why is he ‘ticked off’ with me?”

“Because you keep chanting that name all the time.”

“You mean ‘Na—’”

“Stop! Stop it right there. Don’t say it!”

“But why? What’s wrong if I say it?”

“Good grief, child! Do you have any idea how irritating that is? It sounds like the drone of a mosquito in your ear—only worse, when you do it with your high-pitched kiddy voice. It’s enough to drive any man—or demon—mad. No wonder your dad’s so ticked off with you!”

“Is that why he yelled at me before sending me into that room full of snakes?”

“Uh huh. And yet you survived. Tell me, how did you do it?”

“What? Play with the snakes?”

“Yes, yes. Tell me, what did you do in there?”

“Why, I did what that nice Holy Man told me to do all the time. I chanted the magic rhyme. It’s fun, you know. You should try it sometime.”

“What magic rhyme?”

“Nar—”

“Stop!”

“Okay. But it was fun, watching the snakes wriggle about, trying to crawl up my legs. I really enjoyed playing with them.”

“Y-you played with them?”

“Yes. It was great fun. All those colourful snakes, like playing ropes. I picked some of them up and whacked them about, tied some of them into knots, did some skipping with one that was very long…”

“Oh my god!”

“But they went away, I don’t know why. They didn’t want to play with me anymore. So I chanted that rhyme to ‘tick’ them off, those wicked snakes! It seems to ‘tick’ everybody off, that magic rhyme.”

“Oh, you have no idea. Tell me, is that what you did to those wild elephants, too: ‘ticked’ them off with your magic rhyme?”

“Yes, Auntie. They wouldn’t let me climb on their backs, so I got mad at them and started screaming the magic rhyme until they ran away.”

“I pity those poor creatures. It must have been terrible for them, with those ears of theirs!”

“Auntie, I’m beginning to feel hot. That man there just poured some more oil into our pile of logs. Why did he do that? Can’t he see it’s making the fire go higher? I can’t see daddy anymore. Can you hear him? He’s laughing. And mummy, she’s crying. Why is she crying?”

“Oh, questions, questions! Don’t you ever stop? Just sit still. It’ll all be over soon.”

“But Auntie, I’m feeling hot! Why are you holding me so tightly? Please let go. Don’t you feel the heat?”

“Not much, no.”

“Is it because you’re wearing this special saree? Let me see, please!”

“Hey! Let go of my fire-retardant asbestos shawl!”

“Let me see! Let me see! I want one, too! Gimme!”

“No! Wait! What are you doing? Hey! Give that back to me, you—”

“Nara—”

“No! Anything but that!”

“Gimme your magic shawl, or I’ll start my magic rhyme again!”

“Okay, here you go! Take it!”

“Whee! This is so cool! Look, this is my magic cape!”

“Hey, you guys! Get me out of here, quick! The kid’s got my asbestos suit!”

“I’ve got a magic cape, I’ve got a magic cape! Look, look! Even the fire can’t burn it!”

“Guys! Hey, you hear me? Put out the fire! He’s got my suit!”

“Look, Auntie—hey! What are you doing? Leggo of my magic cape!”

“Give that back to me, you little twit! Gimme back my suit!”

“Nara—”

“NO! GUYS! HELP ME! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!”

“Auntie, don’t jump about so. You’ll fall into the fire.”

“GUYS!! G—Aiiieeeeee…”

The End

(The above is an uncensored, ‘uncoloured-by-religious-sentiments’ version of true events, faithfully and accurately transcribed by palaeography experts from records excavated from the Marappa and Hohenjodaro sites.)

(Authenticated and approved The Mythillogical Society of India)