apeman aphorisms - 1

run as fast as you can,
as far away as you can,

when you hear the words:

"I'm doing it for your own good."

usually followed by:

"You'll thank me for it later."

september...

a month that brings with it an unknown sadness,

a heaviness of the heart

that just won't go away

as though i'd suffered some loss

but i'm not sure what

like waking up from a vague,

half-remembered dream

that i didn't want to end

but was rudely shaken out of...

i catch a glimpse of that amorphous what-if

sometimes when i dream

and try to desperately hold on

but always forget when i wake up

september

always leaves me

with an inexplicable ache in the heart...

an aphorism(?)

more than ten years ago, i had an insight into the human condition and wrote down the following words trying to explain it.

"Everybody in the world

Is a little boy or a little girl
Saying, 'Look at me,

Love me'."

after all these years my view hasn't changed.

i'll check back after ten more years (if i'm still around). if it still holds good, perhaps i'll call it an aphorism.

sense and innocence, part 2: guile

cunning people are like suicide bombers. they blow themselves up to hell and destroy the lives of people amidst whom they live. almost always, these are the very people who love them most (family/friends).

fortunately, nature has a sense of balance, and tends to favour the innocent. for, although they suffer injuries inflicted by the too-clever people, they are rewarded with wisdom (from the experience) and happiness (wisdom, NOT ignorance, is the actual source of bliss).

and what of the schemers? like all villains of popular fiction, they end up getting their just desserts: friendless, alienated from family, lonely and pitiable.

...oh wait, let me correct myself: they WERE friendless, alienated from family, lonely and pitiable all along. because 'clever' people are too wrapped up in their schemes to notice that they are actually loved and wanted by their family and friends; that they don't need to 'earn' these with their clever plans.

ah, if only people were sensible (not 'clever') enough to realise that being honest to themselves is all it takes to be loved...

sense and innocence, part 1: innocence

a very dear friend of mine once chided me for describing someone i love as 'innocent'. i'd apparently 'insulted' the person by saying she had that quality!

the word has taken on a negative connotation in these cynical times. liberated and high-thinking individuals find it offensive when applied to an adult.

let's see how the dictionary defines the word:

innocent (adj) 1.uncorrupted by evil, malice, or wrongdoing; sinless

2.not experienced or worldly; naive

3.free of guile; artless

to be innocent now stands for being stupid, naive, unaware. basically, a 'babe in the woods' ('babe': another non-pc word)

i think the word was created to describe something beautiful (sue me, i think the whole world and everybody in it is beautiful!).

here is my (and i like to think, the original) definition of it:

any element in its pure form, as nature created it; anything that has not been corrupted by the introduction of an alien substance/sensibility; the original, natural state of being for anything/anybody

(as you can see, the meaning of the word itself has been corrupted by applying sensibilities and contexts to the original, 'pure' word!)

well-known fact: all babies/children are beautiful because they're innocent.

not so well-known fact: EVERYBODY is beautiful. all you need to do is look beyond their apparent 'mask-i-put-on-for-the-world' face, and see their 'true' self.

try it, it'll make YOU feel beautiful!

the things we hate most

...about others are the very qualities we despise in ourselves.

when i read 'of human bondage' by somerset maugham, i felt utter contempt for the protagonist, because he was such a spineless turd. only a masochist could do things like let the woman he loves treat him like dirt (perhaps that isn't the right word, because a masochist ENJOYS getting hurt, while this guy squirms through life lonely, discontented and unfulfilled).

such a loser.

...and then i discovered that everything i hated about him were precisely the things i hated about myself: being shy and trying to please others to the point of personal discomfort, and then philosophising away the injury inflicted upon the self (and feeling noble about it too!).

i hated the book (i still do!).

later, while reading 'peter camenzind' by hermann hesse, 'to a god unknown' or other books by steinbeck or salinger, i felt a strong connection, a feeling of bonhomie towards the protagonist.

upon retrospection, i found that what i actually loved about these books/their characters is that they are a reflection of what i perceived to be good or admirable qualities in me.

somewhere around the middle of 'steppenwolf' (by hermann hesse), the character, who in the beginning is a 'madman', turns into a 'normal' person who no longer feels alienated by society, and enjoys living in the mundane world. i'd stop reading the book at that particular point and put it down. i could no longer 'connect'. i made several attempts to start over from the beginning, but could never continue beyond that point.

then, thinking there was some kind of salvation for the protagonist to go back to 'abnormalcy' by the end of the story (this was hesse, dammit! HE couldn't disappoint me!), i forced myself to read the entire book from start to finish.

the whole exercise took me more than 3 years...but yes, it ended satisfyingly: with a mad ending. i could identify myself again with the not-normal, un-mundane protagonist.

'eye of the beholder' indeed. how true it is that we look at the world as a reflection of ourselves.

there's no 'Ctrl Z' in life

not having an 'undo' option or a rewind button is perhaps the most defining feature of life as we know it. you are given ONE chance to make your decision, good or bad, and you have to live with the outcome.

what does this linear and unidirectional path mean for us? what if there had been a 'what if' option in life? what if you could travel back in time and 'correct' a 'mistake'?

how wonderful!

...or is it?

would you erase a certain part of your life because it was painful? what about what followed the moment of pain? nobody i've ever met wants to live through the most horrendous part of their lives (read adolescence). but would we be 'complete' without going through that most testing period of our lives?

there are uncountable fantasy stories that deal with this subject ('mr.destiny' is a personal favourite), and ALL the better ones end the same way: "i wouldn't change a single thing, no matter what."

life is all about the choices we make, the paths we take or are forced upon by action or inaction. maturity lies in accepting life as it is and moving forward.

it's tempting to dream about 'what-ifs' and 'what-might-have-beens', but while we are busy fantasizing, we miss the beauty and splendour of the 'what-is'.

the person i am today is the sum total of all the choices i made in my past, but not for a moment do i dwell there. i'm too busy living it up in the now. for me, it's always "today is the first day of the rest of my life."

it's nice to feel nostalgic, but as someone wisely said, "nostalgia is good stalgia" because you spend too much time regretting 'missed opportunities'. and "you know you've become old when regrets replace hopes".

i intend to remain young until the day i die.