the things we hate most

...about others are the very qualities we despise in ourselves.

when i read 'of human bondage' by somerset maugham, i felt utter contempt for the protagonist, because he was such a spineless turd. only a masochist could do things like let the woman he loves treat him like dirt (perhaps that isn't the right word, because a masochist ENJOYS getting hurt, while this guy squirms through life lonely, discontented and unfulfilled).

such a loser.

...and then i discovered that everything i hated about him were precisely the things i hated about myself: being shy and trying to please others to the point of personal discomfort, and then philosophising away the injury inflicted upon the self (and feeling noble about it too!).

i hated the book (i still do!).

later, while reading 'peter camenzind' by hermann hesse, 'to a god unknown' or other books by steinbeck or salinger, i felt a strong connection, a feeling of bonhomie towards the protagonist.

upon retrospection, i found that what i actually loved about these books/their characters is that they are a reflection of what i perceived to be good or admirable qualities in me.

somewhere around the middle of 'steppenwolf' (by hermann hesse), the character, who in the beginning is a 'madman', turns into a 'normal' person who no longer feels alienated by society, and enjoys living in the mundane world. i'd stop reading the book at that particular point and put it down. i could no longer 'connect'. i made several attempts to start over from the beginning, but could never continue beyond that point.

then, thinking there was some kind of salvation for the protagonist to go back to 'abnormalcy' by the end of the story (this was hesse, dammit! HE couldn't disappoint me!), i forced myself to read the entire book from start to finish.

the whole exercise took me more than 3 years...but yes, it ended satisfyingly: with a mad ending. i could identify myself again with the not-normal, un-mundane protagonist.

'eye of the beholder' indeed. how true it is that we look at the world as a reflection of ourselves.